I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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