call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
