dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize
