Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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