woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i've created a new STD.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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