listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
