My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
