And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
