If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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