I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dude. I can hear the air.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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