Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
