Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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