where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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