i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
