i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
