i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
