it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
