i was born a porn star she said
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
