Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
