Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
