The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
