I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
