Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Randomize
