I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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