So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
