Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
