So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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