Dual....:-)
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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