It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
