I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
What a dumb baby whore.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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