She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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