I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
