my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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