Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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