No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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