OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
