so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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