i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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