Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
