That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
