Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
