This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
