You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
