apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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