So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
