I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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