My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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