I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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