Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
