My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
