Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I FOUND THE LEGS
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