I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
